Dreams Madeira Resort Spa & Marina

Just back from 10-days at Dreams Madeira and, wow???what a place. Not in the way you???d hope, mind you. Think Fawlty Towers- the Island Edition. The scenery? Absolutely beautiful. The staff? Some of them deserve medals. But the management? Honestly, I wouldn???t trust them to run a school tuck shop. First Impressions You do get an app and a map, but they offer all the guidance of a cryptic treasure hunt. It???s Challenge Anneka just to find your room. With no welcome meeting and no hotel induction, new guests wander about looking confused, wondering whether they???ve accidentally checked into a reality show. Room & Resort: A Game of Highs and Holes Our room was lovely???big, spacious, and well-appointed. Great shower, lashings of hot water and good air con. And then came the ants..and the bed linen with blood stains and holes followed by days of no mini bar restock. More Bates Hotel than 5 star luxury. Bathrooms around the resort were plentiful but many had bin bags wrapped around broken taps like sad little bandages (although plus points for all the baby changing facilities). The grounds are beautiful but littered with loose cobbles, some of which nearly claimed a toe or two. Pack sturdy shoes and a sense of humour. There is also a horrific sewage smell around the resort, culminating at the kid???s splash park??? so also take a peg for your nose! Food: ???Described??? vs Delivered The food situation is??? complicated. Descriptions on menus are often pure fiction. Expect the ???Gouda??? on your burger to arrive with bright orange plastic cheese, and for items like mushrooms, pork, or actual desserts to vanish without warning. This isn???t limited to the buffet???every dining outlet had issues, from missing ingredients to entire dishes being unavailable. Even the ???early morning packed lunch??? for our early flight home was a surprise (and not in a good way): dry stale bagel, brown limp lettuce, and no spread. It was less ???packed lunch???, more ???culinary dare???. We were especially disappointed by the lack of Madeiran cuisine??? no real flavour of the island. You could have been anywhere in the world. And on an island famous for fruit, we found ourselves playing ???find the banana??? for days. Worlds Caf?? aka The World???sWorst Caf?? There is a place called Worlds Caf??, but we quickly renamed it ???The World???s Worst Caf????? (David Walliams, if you???re reading this???there???s a children???s book in it for you). It was hands-down the worst buffet experience we???ve ever had. Grimy chairs, chaos, lack of any sort of guest management and sometimes no tables (not necessarily a bad thing!). Ask for a banana (on an island full of them) and you might get a death stare. Take your chances with the papaya- my partner won the jackpot with one that tasted of beef and onions! The food labelling is seriously bad and often non existent, produce quality is dire and I have big reservations about the food hygiene following the ???beef papaya???. BUT! In a rare flip-flop of fortunes, the Flip Flop Ice Cream Bar was an absolute gem???loads of choice, great flavours, and friendly service. Easily one of the resort???s sweet spots (literally). Bars: Overworked Angels The pool and lobby bar staff are the real MVPs???working non-stop, smiling through chaos, and doing the work of four people each. Coco Caf?? is another bright spot, serving great coffee with heroic patience despite constant queues. A La Carte Adventures Booking is via app and feels like trying to get Oasis tickets. That said, some standouts made the struggle worth it (plus it was either that or endure the Worlds Worst Cafe) ??? Oishii Teppanyaki was a highlight. The chefs are brilliant, the food was great, and the whole thing felt like a proper event. A great way to meet other guests who all seem to trauma bond over the hotel failings. Karki, Sunita, and Poudel were outstanding???genuinely warm, skilled, and totally on the ball. ??? Carvoa gave us some fabulous food. Anita was an absolute gem- always smiling and non- stop. ??? Sabor was mixed: great dinner with excellent service from Tanim, but lunch was baffling with missed orders and long waits. ??? Voce? Service was glacial and the food forgettable. ??? Desire Bar served motorway caf?? fare???uninspiring and out of place. ??? We skipped the French a la carte after discovering it had zero vegetarian options. In 2025. At a five-star resort. Entertainment & Atmosphere The central square at night is genuinely lovely???live music, great mix of guests and a great vibe. The Core Zone and entertainment staff kept things upbeat during the day with pool games and activities. It???s one of the few places where the resort feels lively for the right reasons. Final Thoughts: Almost Great, But Mostly Chaos This place could be phenomenal???but it???s currently a case study in poor management. There are lots of staff, but many are inexperienced and clearly overwhelmed. The bones of a brilliant resort are here??? they just need leadership, training, and fewer tripping hazards. So yes, the view is jaw-dropping. Yes, there are pockets of excellence. But right now, this is a holiday that comes with a side of ???what fresh mess is this???? Would we go back? Not unless they sort it out. In the meantime, we???ll cherish the good memories, laugh about the rest, and maybe bring our own bananas next time.

What an interesting experience. I could probably write a short novella on our 10-day stay at Dreams Madeira, but the main point is that this is clearly an all fur coat, no knickers kind of resort that's punching well above it's weight and only hanging on because remarkably, it goes above expectation in some areas while absolutely fumbling the basics you'd expect from a cheap roadside inn. The greatest tragedy here is the dining. While many 5-star resorts will have large, spacious communal dining with various stations (meat, Asian, Mediterranean etc) Dreams has unfortunately spread itself thin by offering the decent food under its lottery booking a la carte restaurants, while the world cafe (the buffet) is hands down the worst I've come across in any resort. They'd do well to review this in future, as there's the makings of decent eating here at the resort it's just structured badly. Be prepared to be up at 8am and on the app to book a meal; we were lucky and ate a la carte every night by forgoing a nice lie in. I'd imagine eating at the world cafe daily would absolutely ruin your holiday, if not your bowels. There's some real stand out staff (shout out to the FoH teams at Oishi, Carvao and Sabor and the brill bar teams) but there's a general feeling that there's a lot of staff (many brought over by agencies from Nepal and Bangladesh) who have little experience and minimal training in hospitality. Wonderful people with great stories with a lot of education and experience in other fields, but they're clearly learning hospitality on the job during these initial seasons. Food aside, it's a great setting as the resort is a redeveloped former condo site with a lovely village feel. It's generally clean, they give you a good pour and aside from the ants (there are indeed plenty of ants) the rooms are spacious and of a high quality. It's quite isolated but it's only a ??4 Uber away from the village itself (there's no walking path to Canical). It does get surprisingly slippy after it's been raining (which it does from time to time) and I swear the concrete-set stone paths are a death trap considering many are nearly 45 degrees. Many of the rooms are set quite far away from the main square and the bars and restaurants so be prepared to walk or flash a thigh and get a lift on a passing electric buggy. The strange quality of the resort also seems to be a great ice breaker with other families as everyone has a story to tell and is just as perplexed as everyone else by what on earth is going on there. The fitness centre is fairly modest and of the sort you might find at an outdated UK community campus, sandwiched between the squash court and the gents toilets. It was never overly busy, but if you have more than a dozen people in there at once, be prepared to sniff someone else's crotch as you get your reps in. Flip Flop, the ice cream parlour, is great. Look out for lady in the white shirt as she gives you massive scoops!

???Five-Star Prices. Three-Star Chaos. One Flying Umbrella.??? ??????????????? At first glance, this resort screams luxury. Beautiful setting, gorgeous views??? but spend a few days here and it starts to feel like Love Island meets Fawlty Towers. Let???s talk safety. A picture frame fell off the wall in our room and hit me square on the head. No apology, no concern ??? just a shrug. Meanwhile, over in the courtyard, an umbrella caught the wind, smashed into a patio heater and nearly knocked out a poor woman enjoying her lunch. Umbrellas and wind? Apparently an extreme sport here. The ???adults-only??? pool? Had kids in most days. Sugar Reef bar in the adult zone? Closed for 3 out of 7 days. Want a sunbed? Good luck. Unless you???re up at 7am with military precision and a towel in hand, you???ll end up roasting on the tiles like a lizard. Food? Firmly average. The sports bar food? Honestly, I???ve eaten better at motorway service stations. F&B service? Patchy at best. Dirty glasses and plates piled up around the pool all day, no poolside drinks service, and the pools themselves left us side-eyeing the water wondering when they were last properly cleaned. In-room experience wasn???t much better. Ants crawling around, and when we requested an iron and ironing board it took 24 hours to arrive. Amazon ships faster from the other side of the world ??? and with tracking updates. Booking a restaurant is a daily test of stamina. Unless you???re logged into the app at exactly 8:00:00am, everything???s gone by 8:05. Miss it and you???re stuck with the buffet ??? again- another horrible experience. Good luck if you have allergens to worry about. But credit where it???s due. The coffee bar is excellent (actual barista-level coffee, a rare delight) and Sandra, the Assistant FOH Manager, is an absolute gem holding the operation together with sheer willpower. The manager at the Mediterranean restaurant also deserves a medal for service that actually felt five-star. ??? Bottom line? This place could be amazing. Right now, it???s five-star pricing for three-star delivery, with occasional flying furniture to keep your adrenaline up. If you book, pack a hard hat, a sense of humour, and Olympic reflexes for the reservation app. Would I return? Not unless they sort out the basics ??? starting with gravity.